「 dancing away 11:36 PM 」

you will always have time for the people whom you hold dear.

but they will more often than not, be the people who hold others dear.

and then the cycle repeats for them too.

sometimes you find that you have decided or perhaps thought some people will always have a special place in your life no matter how old, or how far down the road.

you go through each day, allowing that soft spot to get worse. and worse.

when will you finally wake up to see

that some things have changed.

that some things have always been as they were just that you were blinded by what you wanted it to be.

and that you have actually lost sight of those whom you shld be looking at instead.

「 dancing away 3:23 AM 」

You know how you watch shows, and you wished your life was just like that?

fairytales. only that they became modern too.

F.R.I.E.N.D.S was my fairytale.

the fairytale i thought of having.
then it became the fairytale that i thought i really could have.
then - the fairytale i thought i had
then, the fairytale i feared losing.
then, the fairytale that i thought simply needed effort and time.
then, the fairytale that confused me because i didnt know how everyone saw it as.

and now, it seems like the fairytale that would always remain its true self - a fairytale.

what happened? was it the emergence of new characters? was it the drifting apart due to lack of common interest? was it time?

or was it that nothing "happened", that this "thing", this bridgeless chasm was always there. just that i refused to see it, to acknowledge it.

i thought about it before. the effort i made, the time i put in and everything else - was it all for my want of the fairytale turning into reality? or was it really that these were the ones i wanted to grow old w, regardless of whether i knew of the existence of the fairytale.

i thought abt it and struggled w my answer for a long time. nevertheless, i found my answer.

but now, i guess that answer is irrelevant. this fairytale, this dream seems to be ripping apart at the seams.

i overlook many things that i normally wouldnt - just because it's you all. if it happened to come from anyone else, my temper would flare. but somehow, now i wonder, if im on the right path.

maybe i should just get it once and for all. it's either it's never gonna happen. or im overthinking it. maybe the guy from "Defending the Cavemen" was right; we are just two immensely different species, cultures and worlds. But even within the same world, I see splits, cracks.

I know what im asking for is too much. nothing can be so perfect. but just give me the "almost"?

I tried, desperately, to hold on to our tradition. it was ours. thats why i flare each time i saw it splitting apart. you dont understand the rational behind. to you it's "i don't like your suggestion. you do yourself, im not even gonna bother w it i'll do my own thing. im not even gonna tell you i did it". even before this stage, at least nonsense excuses would come out - like you thought that it was alr agreed and all. you know these are excuses cause the discussion never came. then now, you see no need for excuses even. you just do it and tell us to fuck off. oh yea, sure, you dont say those words directly, but it's there isn't it?

past: what are we doing (together)?
present: we've done this. now fuck off and do your own.
why the bracket? cause it was simply understood it would be a togethr thing. don't knw when things started to evolve.

now it's probably just the tangible items. it kills me to even think abt the (high) possibility that the intangible would soon be the same. that would cease memories...

i knw we all knw - as we grow older, our social circle may widen (superficially), but more often, it will shrink, very tightly.

maybe you have all decided on your grow-old circle. some don't seem to see it, but from the outside, their lives seem to revolve ard their partner. i wish you all the best, and i hope he/she's the one, and i wish you a happy life ahead w him/her. i wish you all that because, w/o knowing it, you have almost come to a point whr not a day passes by that you do not wish to be physically w the other.

and if your other does not want to do sth, you dont either. you think this is so the other party will not be upset, you think that this is abt giving and taking. but isnt it abt your wanting to be w him/her?

be honest, havent there been times you know you risk sth for him/her that you wouldn't risk for others? important others? but of course you wont admit that would you? not even to yourself, possibly. it's a lil hard fact to face, for those of us who are not well acquainted w being such a person.

not that it's wrong or right. i guess when it comes to instinct/natural reaction/human nature, who's to say sth/who is wrong or right?

but yet, if i were to tell you that str, you wouldnt be happy would you? you would think it negative. when im just trying to tell you change has alr come, whethere you like it or not, whether you knw it or not, whether you want it or not.

ahh. but i digress. i just wish time stood still more often when we were living in our fairytales, as we all do, sometime, somehow or rather, in our lives.

Semantics, she thought. The difference between "I love you" and "I'm in love with you" was a bridgeless chasm.

「 dancing away 2:51 AM 」

you never change.

how can you say bo bian. THAT was definitely not bo bian.

if your family had died because of your bo bian, would you still choose the same path?!

you still don't get it. all your life, what have you done for us? really for us? i dont mean your staying behind and slogging. because at the end of the day, it's still for YOU.

fucked up seriously.

i hate all this. maybe im weak. i should be able to stand more than this.

screw the 'should be's of the world. if everything went accordingly, you shouldn't be here with us. we shouldnt have had to do all this.

i so wanna give everything up. even if it means i eat nothing everyday. even if it means sacrificing the lifestyle i want and all. i just want it to end. where is the clean slate we were promised!!!

i want that so bad.. i really really do.

i really dont want to have to make a hard choice in the end. why do you have to destroy everything everyone has worked so hard for?

i want you to go. i really do... i know my conscience will prick me if you do, but still, it would be btter than this wouldn't it?

i wish praying really helps.

i just wish and wish. and thats what everything really is. only a wish.

screw this. screw you.

to think when you had an accident i fervently prayed for you to be fine. i panicked. not just for the rst of the months left, but for you. now, i wish things turned out differently. i know im unfilial to say this. but can i help it? i dont know, but i think if sth really happened things might be so much better.

maybe not so muhch better. maybe not any better. may even be slightly worse. but i dont think it can beat wshat you did after.

and now with the possible suspension, what will we do??

i'm so scared. but i dare not say.
it all depends on me now. im so scared. what if i fail to save us all. what if i manage to, but ruin my life in the process?
im so scared. but i dare not say. it will only make her more upset. and i cant bear to see her worse off now. and him, im scared for him too. how can anyone survive the way he does? i worry.

what are you doing? even w all these on our minds, we still have to be mindful of how we push you or if we do at all. this sucks. you suck more.

.. we were so close....

「 dancing away 10:48 PM 」

so maybe things are getting a lil too over my head.

hmm sth got me thinking the other day. everything's so different. you really cant plan your life or your "principles" or at least you cant predict or dictate all of it. maybe not everything will go the way you like them to. not at all.

maybe we were all wrong. maybe what we really need is a good brainwash!

aye. sweet yes? (:

「 dancing away 2:38 AM 」

so other than F.R.I.E.N.D.S

I found something else that makes me laugh almost, if not just as hard! (:

ALLY MCBEAL. just finished the first season. 4 more to go! :):):))))

yes, yes.i know. the reaction i get from everyone is along the lines of "are you serious? hahahaha that is SO old! SO long ago!" and more laughter.

oh well. haha despite how long ago it was, it really is still good. timeless.

"If you think back and replay your year, if it doesn't bring you tears either of joy or sadness, consider it wasted.” - John Cage

"Sometimes.. when you hold out for everything, you walk away with nothing" - the fat woman, Ally Mcbeal, John Cage

Poughkeepsie, fishism, i'm troubled, let me take a moment, stop throwing shoes at me!, bygones, *pinch your nose bridge, close your eyes and look down*, I will not stand to be disparaged, I'm fraught, Unacceptable

HAHA. really :):):)

“I have to believe that it works...that when two people come together they stay together. I have to take that to bed with me at night even if I'm going to bed alone. That's a McBealism.” - Ally Mcbeal

“You know what makes my problems bigger then everyone else's? They're mine.” - Ally Mcbeal

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ally McBeal: I'm trying to desensitize myself to murder so I can be a better lawyer.
Billy: Why don't you just watch the news?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John "The Biscuit" Cage: Let's not forget that Lizzie Borden was found innocent of killing her parents.
Richard Fish: Oh, she did it; the jury just took pity on her for being an orphan.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Billy: Will you ever forgive my letting go?
Ally McBeal: I'll forgive it. But I'm still not sure I'll ever understand it.

"I like being a mess. It's who I am." - Ally Mcbeal

"You're not who you are, you're only what other people think you are. Fishism." - Richard Fish

"I've been dumped before, Renee. This isn't pain I'm feeling, it's nostalgia." - Ally Mcbeal

"Sometimes when a patient says something so competely naive, I find that my own laughter just isn't enough." - Dr. Tracy Clark

"I'm sure she's quite stupid, and in time, gravity will get her." - Elaine; ahh, when you need to insult a woman you're jealous abt w/o knowing her, even though you know she's drop dead gorgeous. haha

"The world is no longer a romantic place. Some of its people still are however, and therein lies the promise. Don't let the world win, Ally McBeal." - John 'The Biscuit' Cage

"Sometimes... there's no point in the truth if the only thing it will do is cause pain." - Ally Mcbeal

"I'm not going through an odd phase, I really am odd." - John 'The Biscuit' Cage

"Hold on! Quiet! Let me ignore you one at a time." - Richard Fish

"Unisex studies show it helps men and women employees breed familiarity, so long as they don't come in to just breed." - Richard Fish, on the unisex toilets

and my favourite (absolute) Season 1 song:

Vonda Shepard - Hooked On A Feeling

I can't stop this feeling
Deep inside of me
Boy, you just don't realize
What you do to me

Your lips are sweet as candy
The taste stays on my mind
You just keep me thirsty
For another cup of wine

When you hold me
In your arms so tight
You let me know
Everything's all right

I, I'm hooked on a feeling
I'm high on believing
That you're in love with me

I've got it bad for you, darling
But I don't need a cure
I'll just stay addicted
And hope I can endure

All the good love
When we're all alone
Keep it up boy
Yeah, you turn me on

I, I'm hooked on a feeling
I'm high on believing
That you're in love with me

When you hold me
In your arms so tight
You let me know
Everything's all right

I, I'm hooked on a feeling
I'm high on believing
That you're in love with me

I said I'm hooked on a feeling ...

「 dancing away 1:11 AM 」

it's unbelievable.

nv thought i could think of someone i dont know and label them as i like.

well you're a real bitch. arg. two hands to clap or not, it still says sth.

maybe abt me as well, for not being enough.

but i've had enough. you're just disgusting. maybe you are nice. but. just one thing abt you is enough, to disgust me. how can you be so shameless.

you better pray this world has no karma.

「 dancing away 11:16 PM 」

so i lost my phone. AGAIN.

yes let's hear the exclaimations - "what?! how? wah you very careless eh! you must be more careful okay? you suck eh" so on and so forth.

yes, yes whatever you are saying, i feel the pain 10 times more. so dont worry, dont need to emphasize to me. haha

anw, i got a new phone today - sony ericsson c905. and i upgraded my plan.

i wouldn't be blogging this, except something hit me..

they say if the old don't go, the new won't come. and to think jodin and i were debating on thr "reliability" of omens and signs.

well i strongly felt one shld not be so dependent on them and that destiny or fate is controllable. well, of course,it being a debate, he naturally disagreed.

well to each his own, everyone has a certain perspective. if you went ard changing them, we'd nv be unique, would we?

so anw, the point is, it's so ironic how that conversation just comes back to bite me. every once in awhile of course, it hits me how one would say "on hindsight".

well. ah lam, are you trying to tell me to forget you, forget everything and start anew? so many things that burdened me were there. and i only mean "burden" i dont relaly knwo what other word to use you see.

there was the r/s w alvin, there were the friends in my contacts i keep reminding myself to make time for, there was ah lam's number, there were other old quarrels with people, etc..

with the lost of the phone, i lost much. but am i to take this well and say that this is whr i start afresh completely? i guess so. even w/o the ref to it as an omen or sign.

ahh to take things this way may not be the best, but it's the only positive way i guess.

like i always say - it may not be for the best / the best solution, but it is (after all) the only one.

to end off, i would just like to say how enjoyable dinner was on wed. :)

oh yes, i cant end off. haha so my bro and i shared an i river for my mum. thanks to kok sheng for teh compnay. but hello haha he wanted to get a desktop too what.

anw, yea, i think it's a great present bought way in advance 0 for mother's day. HAHAH

you've got to love the world sometimes; and not just because it's teh only one you've got or ever will have.

hmm, it's funny how i look at you sometimes, and i wonder how you can be so at the top of the world. after all of the past. cause i do sometimes believe in karma. so it makes me wonder, if it was me who did you wrong? or is it a case of a lack of effort on my part to upkeep old relations?

and then there are those other times. like i also always say - sao jian sao tao yan. see less hate less. i believe it true. but oh well.